Let It Be

Sometimes friendships or relationships aren't meant to work on paper. It might be because it's a collision of two dyametrically opposed worlds, value systems or cultures. Maybe there's an age gap. Maybe you're an extrovert and they're an introvert. Maybe you're introspective and spiritual and they're highest priority in life is the next episode of the a soap opera or the next incarnation of a brand of shoes. It's classic Hollywood buddy movie stuff or the two lead characters in a romcom that are so different but finally get together before the end credits roll.

Personally, I've experienced all of this in recent years with a few friends and a girlfriend. On occasion it has been frustrating - "why can't you see the world through my prism?", kind of way. Other times, I find myself thinking - "wow, you've surprised/inspired me in a very good way."

There's no template for these things, and as long as there's mutual respect and understanding it's amazing what dynamics work. That's something I continue to learn and certainly I've unravelled a lot of my more rigid thinking over the years. Yes, there's plenty of ego behind it all. And I'm sure some of these individuals would be wondering why on earth I'm sitting here on a Friday morning dissecting and writing about such a subject. No need to analyse and discuss - whatever works, works, they'd say (and have said). So I'm going to (try to) continue to accept how dynamics can play out rather than instinctively refer to some manual on how friendships and relationships are supposed to be shaped. Just let it be.

Lose Yourself

One concept I've tried to ingrain into my being in recent years is to get away from the idea of 'searching' - for meaning, for answers, for peace and so on. Searching, to me, suggests a needy quality of 'absence' or 'lack of' which you're looking to fill with external factors; where you will only be happy if you get a complete answer. I've preferred the concept of 'finding' - like an exciting voyage of discovery - where I am in control of what I choose to take on board. It can be a mismash of things and not a perfect suite.

That all said, I recently fell upon a comment on my sister's Facebook page, which had come from an article in the New York Times. It was all about losing yourself:

‎"Fulfillment is a byproduct of how people engage their tasks, and can’t be pursued directly. Most of us are egotistical and most are self-concerned most of the time, but it’s nonetheless true that life comes to a point only in those moments when the self dissolves into some task. The purpose in life is not to find yourself. It’s to lose yourself."

I don't think there's any right or wrong to all this. Maybe it's all just semantics and maybe you can lose yourself and find yourself at the same time. My angle on 'finding' isn't especially about finding myself it's about finding 'stuff' that works for me - in a joyful positive way, not with a need to fill a gap. Ultimately, it's just about an attitude to life. It's got me thinking again...

The Sign

Once in a while there is a sign. Or rather, once in a while you are willing and open to interpret information received as a sign. And so it has been for me in recent weeks. I got talking to one of the guys at kung fu the other day. He wasn't that overweight before but in the last month or two it was very clear that he had lost a fair bit of weight. Coincidentally, we also use the same gym and as far as I could tell he seemed a bit of a gym bunny, always seeming to put the hours in.

So when I saw the dramatic weight change I asked him about it. He basically said that of late he had introduced a bit more intensity and discipline to his workout. And not only that, he actually had a strategy and structure behind it now rather than “playing at it”, as he put it. We’re all very good at faking it – pretending that we are working hard towards whatever goals we have set when we aren't really. Or if we are putting the effort in and it's not working, sometimes we're not willing to or are just too pig-headed to change strategy. It's got me thinking about my approach to development and hopefully with a tweak or two and a bit more effort I'll be able to push on.

So Long, Farewell

Last weekend an email went out from my school alumni association telling us all that my ex-headmaster had passed away. I'm not actually sure how old he was because through teenage eyes he already seemed quite old - and that was quite some time ago. Still, it came as a bit of a shock as you sometimes feel that certain people that exist in a bubble were just meant to live forever. At school he taught me A-Level History. I was fortunate enough to be awarded the course prize in both senior years and, ultimately, I went onto university to read History. So it's fair to say he had a bit of a bearing on my path into adulthood.

The thing is I don't actually think of him in the context of the course at all. In fact, he really wasn't that good a teacher. A bit rambly if I remember. But as a person he was just such a charismatic, warm, energetic and genuine kind of guy. Even when I bumped into him in the street many years after both he and I had departed the school, he still had so much to offer in terms of kind words, friendliness, advice and humour. And this whole episode got me thinking about a life coaching technique I know involving leaving a legacy. To set the scene, imagine you've just passed away (not a winning thought but roll with it). A friend stands up at a gathering to read a eulogy on you to all your other friends and family. What would you want your eulogy to say about the life you have led (winning character traits, achievements, people who have loved you, people you've loved)? Then think: What would it actually say if it were to be done truthfully now? A tad morbid, perhaps, but it does get you thinking about what kind of gift you're already giving to the world and the huge amount of other stuff and human potential that you could throw into the mix.

Nobody's perfect and I'm sure the headmaster had as many frailties as the next person. But I will remember him fondly based on what impression he left on me. So, thanks, for everything, Mr Thomson.

Remember The Time

Another Monday, another annoying day. Well, I say annoying - it was just another frustrating day of being me. Can't do this, not good enough at that, don't know how to think creatively - Monday morning thinking for me. Sometimes I get caught up with all the negative noises that are part and parcel of being human. But on the way home from work I had my own mini epiphany:

"Of course I'm very capable and smart and insightful and interesting - I just need to read my blog."

And that's what I've been doing - reading my very own posts from the past. The clever bits, the silly bits, the funny bits, the inspired bits, the emotional bits. It's a simple thing, perhaps, but it's little things like this that can prove to me that I have got what it takes and I'm more than enough. I've shown it in the past and no doubt can prove it to myself again in the future.

Redemption Song

As much as Tinseltown gets a bad rap for the amount of regurgitated, formulaic dross that gets served up on occasion at the cinema, there have been many movie moments that will continue to stand the test of time. One of my favourite films is the Shawshank Redemption, a wonderful movie about the human spirit. Having not seen it for a number of years I caught it again a few weeks ago. It's still great. One quote, though, from the Tim Robbins character still sticks out for me and in a way sums up life in general and not just life in a correctional facility:

"I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really - get busy living or get busy dying"

Too true.

Chapel Of Love

I'm not a monarchist by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I've very often had a negative take on what the British royal family represents historically and in the present (in my eyes). That said, and putting aside the media hysteria, the upcoming wedding between Will and Kate does temper my view for now. For one thing, an event like this does provide a common (more cheerful) bond for the nation as a whole - something that's built out of the more positive than negative. And because I don't live in the UK these days it does fill me with a sense of pride in all that pomp and ceremony that the little island is still very good at throwing into a party. And, of course, we have to wish the happy twosome well - they are just another young couple starting new lives together, albeit very much in the public eye.

So, to Will and Kate, have a special day.

Living Years

I was reading yesterday about the passing of the world’s oldest man, Walter Breuning. He lived to 114 years of age and clearly witnessed a great deal of change on earth. There may not be any magic formula for how to live your life but he certainly had some really interesting things to say about the secret behind his longevity:

- Embrace change, even when the change slaps you in the face. ("Every change is good.")
- Eat two meals a day ("That's all you need.")
- Work as long as you can ("That money's going to come in handy.")
- Help others ("The more you do for others, the better shape you're in.")
- A lesson Breuning said he learned from his grandfather: Accept death.
- He didn't regret anything, and he implored others to follow his philosophy.
- "Everybody says your mind is the most important thing about your body. Your mind and your body. You keep both busy, and by God you'll be here a long time."

This, I guess, represented his guiding principles or inner compass - what made him tick and what he was all about. I certainly can see value in a lot of what he said but it also made me think about what my own template for life is. The clearer it is to me and the more I embrace it, the more I'll be living a life that's true to me, however long that turns out to be. Thanks Walter.